


A Perfectly Normal Office Day

by tepalixed



Series: Data Witch Drabbles [1]
Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Salmon Crimes, lmao the comma in strike, s name breaks tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27919234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tepalixed/pseuds/tepalixed
Summary: The Society Data Witches, in their day jobs at the Society for Internet Blaseball Research, discover an ancient relic. Of course, by "relic", I mean "software", and by ancient, I mean "salmon".
Relationships: Minor Major Arcana/Espresso Machine
Series: Data Witch Drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044411
Kudos: 5





	A Perfectly Normal Office Day

The Data Witches had gathered in the conference room for an all-hands meeting. Turing Capybara stood on a cardboard box in front of the podium, munching on some tape. 

"You're probably wondering why I called this meeting", Turing would have said if his mouth was full. Instead, he wiggled his snout and took a bite of tape.

"I'm not wondering," said Beans Reblase, putting away the crystal ball she used to peer into potential futures.

"Sshh," said Bob E. Cagayan, elbowing her.

Turing munched quietly and thoughtfully, eyes focused on the employees/volunteers/family in front of him.

"A new project? Sounds interesting," commented Datum, taking a sip of coffee.

"Why's it so important you need us all here in person?" drawled a sleepy Espresso Machine.

"Yeah, just send an email." commented Jason.

"Yeah," commented Algebra Goldberg, trying to best to sit still and act like someone who knew what to do during meetings.

Turning chewed thoughtfully. He worked his way over another two buttons, savoring the taste. Then paused for a second, and swallowed - and that's when the room broke into cheers. 

"No way!" yelled Zero Index, jumping out of her seat.

Cindy put her head in her hands. "I can't believe it."

"Great job, everyone." commented Datum.

"Huh. We got it working." commented Espresso Machine, laying an arm around Major Arcana. 

"Pog," said Arcana, smiling softly.

"Did you plug in the pitching data? We've gotta test it!" asked None Binary.

Algebra looked back and forth at her colleagues, bewildered. Slowly Turing took another bite.

"Thanks!" said Binary, pausing for a moment to open a holographic window. The progress bar ticked from 0% to 1%. "I'm downloading it now," 

"Oh my god," said Batista, shaking her head and taking another sip of her steaming mug. "This is still the weirdest timeline."

Zero punched her in the shoulder. "You mean the best timeline!"

"Moo!" said Nebula. 

In the back of the room, Matrix the printer beeped cheerfully and loudly. Suddenly, there was a loud bang from inside her, and after a few seconds PolkaDot sleepily poked her head out. She scanned the room - several Data Witches were crowded around None's screen, excitedly waiting for Windows 95 to boot, Strike,, Bob, and Batista were excitedly talking about endangered parity conservation. Arcana, Espresso, and Zero had moved to a whiteboard and were eagerly brainstorming automated fishbone divination.

PolkaDot waved angrily at Turing to catch his attention. "What's all the fuss?" she signed. Turing turned to her and took another bite of the tape. PolkaDot's mouth stretched into an evil grin that seemed far too big for her face. 

"You know what this means, right?" asked Datum. She didn't wait for an answer. "We gotta go collect some data firsthand."

"I can bring some fishing rods; I've been meaning to head back to Echo Park after last summer," mused Strike,. "Their base's protective water shell might have disabled my phone when I dropped it, but I'm onto them."

"You have terrible taste in lakes," beeped Matrix, frame whirring as it began to print off directions.

Beans stood up. "I'll go check if the hardware store's got any bait! Be right back!" She stood up and began jumping in place with her back to the wall, slowly picking up speed with each jump.

Algebra looked from side to side. "Uh," she began. "Lake?"

"Wanna make it an office trip?" said Bob.

"Yeah!" cheered Major Arcana. "Let's get that bread!"

Strike, paused. “Salmon eat bread?”

“Yes,” signed PolkaDot. “They keep it in their spooky underwater deathtrap lairs.”

“Shut up,” said Batista. It didn’t stop Strike,’s face from paling as the gears turned in his head of the implications.

“Salmon??” asked Algebra, even more confused than before.

“Salmon.” nodded Espresso.

**Author's Note:**

> [Based on a true story.](https://salmon.sibr.dev/steve.html)
> 
> Any team with players named None Binary and Zero Index leaves me no choice but to love and cherish. The [Data Witches](https://www.blaseball.wiki/w/Society_Data_Witches) are the best team and nobody can tell me otherwise


End file.
